Pay it forward…..

God works in mysterious ways…. or fate or whatever you believe in. A simple thinking of oh… I want that parking but that person is handling a handicap person I decided to give that parking to that someone. As I turned the corner to look for another one… I saw a car coming out and someone waving a ticket at me…. it was an old lady saying… you don’t have to pay the ticket I still have an hour left… and she drove off. All happened in 5 minutes. I was flabbergasted. It is nice when you do something nice without expecting it you get something in return. Even if it is just a smile sharing your concern.

I totally believe in paying it forward. I remember I found a $5 note on the ground and I don’t know who it belongs to… so I just stuck it on a car closest to me… I hope it made someone’s day.

Once I gave $50 to the cleaner that says hello to me everyday as I go up the escalators from the carpark to the office. Most of the time she is just another cleaner that everyone ignores and looks down upon. And they themselves just keep their head down. I keep telling myself during Eid celebrations one day I will give her money to celebrate Eid as she is away from her family. So just before Eid, I gave her the gift. And she said Thank you so much. This money she will use to buy food for her and her friends to celebrate Eid as they had sent all their money to their families back home. We have each other a teary big huge hug and I said goodbye to her. I haven’t seen in a long while because I don’t go there anymore. I think about her and all the unseen people in the background cleaning up after us and not being acknowledged. Instead they are looked down upon.

I guess in retrospect… part of my depression is that whilst I was being nice to people…. why aren’t people being nice to me. I do what I have been tasked to do and do everything as right as i could… but somehow… there is no well done or anything.

This my psychiatrist calls me PEOPLE PLEASER syndrome. I wanted to be everyone’s friend, I wanted to be amongst the rich and famous, the smart and elite. I just want everyone to like me… because I am a nice person. But why people won’t be friends with me? I often question that before. But now…. like Taylor says…. Shake it Off!!! Time to face the music and grow up.

Noone tells you this part of life…. I call it the 2nd phase of life… I would say to people now, the person you are TODAY will not be able to carry you through to the person you will be in the FUTURE. It is true… The 40s or 39 to be 40 or whatever is the age of that. The FUTURE…. what lies beyond that frontier!

I can’t wait to share with you what I will be doing to get through this horrid disease. As you can notice my tone goes up one moment and down one moment… sometimes I talk gibberish and sometimes I sound so full of wisdom.

All I know is… by the end of this year… I would like my Doctor to say I am fit to work and go for interviews and maybe a certificate of some kind. Or find a freelance job. Who knows? Well that is my goal for the year. I promised a good friend of mine that I promise to start exercising to get off my 5 medications…. but that I can’t promise… I think at the moment it is impossible.

Nite nite all.

Signing off!!

PEACE!

Damn dog coming again… can’t LET GO

What used to be me…. was that I was passionate about everything that I did. In some ways I wanted to prove that I was not a loser. Someone who had no direction. Despite it all, I managed to get my degree, Masters and about 6 or was it 7 jobs. The 7th was the hardest to leave…. I have never worked so hard in that 6 years I was there in my whole entire career. I was at the company everyone in our nation wants to be in. It had all the perks and the distinction.

It was good to say that… Hey I work in ….. company. And People look at you in awe. But from Day 1, the interview to the very last day…. was the most horrible and the most memorable/happiest years of my life. I met amazing people and there were people who thought I could do something. And I did and I worked my butt off.

Unfortunately for me, I never seemed to have a particular role… I was more assigned to projects and by chance I can come up with strategy because I read like crazy (like a sponge) to coming up with presentations / reports of what the outcome was. And still I didn’t get the acknowledgement that I wanted.

I know my friends and family an of course my psychiatrist to me to “Let it Go” like the popular forever in our radios and our kids singing. But the problem was… I can’t LET GO. Oh it went alright. March 23rd 2013…. It went as soon as I left that little small cubicle. Noone called, everyone avoided the subject, I felt isolated, and alone. I know my husband (bless him) has been there for me and my BFF you know who you are…. but sometimes when it creeps on you…. and both of you are busy…. I feel so alone…. I bought a book a few days ago by Sally Brompton titled “Shoot the Damn Dog”. And she said… severe depression is a sickness of loneliness. of isolation and desolation. I am only on page 2 and I already know what she would say….. I would buy all these books but never read. You know how people say you find comfort being surrounded by books. Even when you are not reading them. I am one of the culprits and the shops make money out of me….

Just like buying a new bag, there is nothing like buying a book. the smell of it and the feel of it. And you kid yourself by telling yourself that yes yes I will read it. One day…. So you lay it by the side of your table, hide it behind the curtains cause you are ashamed but you know it is there. I wish I could show you my whole book collection…. but again it is night time… and plus I haven’t read all of them. I just buy. But I have the best damn book collection there is.

My resolution of doing something new has somehow gotten a setback….. I am backing out of one of them. I just can’t do so many things not even 2 at one time. Multitasking, something I used to be best at….. well.. I suck at it. I can do one and that one thing only….

Still haven’t exercised…. still 118kg. Still blocking cashier aisle when at supermarket. I can’t seem to bring myself to doing it…

One thing I have been doing if I feel like crap and I feel or I think I feel that someone is being rude to me…. I go into my car and sing… Taylor Swift “Shake it Off”. I saw someone looking at me when I was singing…. they looked at me like I was crazy… But you know what I did Shaked it Off. Thank you Taylor Swift!!!

Once the smoke fades…the fighting begins

Sounds serious right? Well let me put it this way… during the height of my depression obvious thing that people would turn to (instead of suicide) is an addiction to something… For me it was food…. Cupcakes. Especially from my favourite cupcake shop , Bisou Cafe.

I couldn’t resist… it is so yummy….And when my weight hit 118kgs. And I start hating looking at myself in the mirror. I stop looking at food and turned to other things. It was tough to not wanna take more medication than I am supposed to but I am glad I didn’t. I would have been high all the time.

So my love for books started with buying from the MPH warehouse book sale…to BIG BAD WOLF sale… that I even woke up at 6 to go at 6:30 before the crowd came in. I bought everything from bestsellers, things I should have read when I was a kid, to my kids’ stuff to cookbooks, entrepreneurship books, leadership books you name it …. I went for it. I must have spent about my money 1000.00 on just books or probably more. This is what my psychiatrist calls it the BRAT’S disease. I was raised with silver spoon and was able to get anything I want. But once I started working things weren’t what it used to be especially financially.

And then I found Reebonz website…the site that started my haul of designer bags. I love this website but I talk more about it later. It actually has started me on my own journey of entreneurship. But let’s talk about my love for bags…. Actually my crazy haul of bags started on the 1st and last trip my dream company sent me for a conference in Paris. L’amour. I love Paris. And it was the first time my husband and I had a trip overseas without the kids. It was the best trip of my life…. and the first thing we did was to climb the Arc de Triomphe.

I can tell you one thing…I will NEVER climb those stairs again!!!! Oh My God!! It was so high I can’t believe we reached the top. But the view was worth it…. oh and we stayed at this great boutique hotel, Hotel Marceau Champ Elysses. The receptionist was very friendly and really really nice…. and they our stay so memorable. I would recommend anyone to stay there. Small but quaint and around the corner there is a patisserie shop that sells the yummiest pastries ever!! Well in my opinion anyways.

In between the conference, my hubby brought me around Paris where not many tourist would go. We went to have Starbucks takeaway and drank in a park at Port Neuf.

And then walked through Saint Germaine and then to the Church that had the Roseline in Da Vinci Code. And Then we walked to the best … and I say the best Macarons shop EVER. Pierre Herme.

OK… the bags I bought.. Basically I bought 3 from YSL…..

Crazy right…. and let’s not talk about my LV and Longchamp. Ok. I was on a roll or possessed  by the bag demon…. I don’t know I went nuts…. and had to pay for it….. But they are classic pieces and I don’t regret them at all. Absolutely beautiful.

And then I encounter Reebonz…. A Singapore based company…. I bought my first Prada from them… and the rest is history…. Won’t say much more in case….. ;0P.

I wish I could show you my book collections but it night time here…. so it is quite a bother.

Oh and did I tell you about my Crabtree & Evelyn, L’Occitane and Body Shop thingie…. yeah…. it is a disease…..

There I said it! Not proud of it…. but I will sell some of them off.

Now that I know my problem… I should know what to do right? But I really have no clue… for now. So again…. going back to my resolutions. That’s it for now…

Nite nite all bloggers….

Flying solo

This was basically the state of my life or more like the kids room yesterday…. hence why I couldn’t write at my normal comfortable time. Instead…. I am writing at 7:05am in the morning to which I have to get the older kids to school by 7:45am . But my number 1 first princess just refused to wake up…. she even said that she didn’t want to go to school because she is sleepy….. and yet…. she is bullying the toddler right at this minute…

I must say ….. I did shout at the number 1 first princess yesterday…. over something stupid…. like “Where did you put the scissors just now” “We just used it a minute ago”!!!!

Last year it would have been a different story…. I would have hit them… because my BLACK DOG overcomes me and there it goes… who gets the brunt of it all… the children… and the shouting to my husband. That is the thing about the BLACK DOG…. If it weren’t tamed especially without the medication… all hell will break loose.

When I think back… I do feel ashamed of the things that I have done to my loved ones….. and sometimes over the stupidest and lamest things. Why do we hurt the ones we love…they are the ones who will be there when you need them the most. And yet you hurt them.

NOW, I take myself out of the scene. THANK GOD my maid is back!!! All my scattering around to and fro from the agent’s place and couriering important documents overseas (shhhhhh) had paid off.

Hubby is off overseas again. And he will be flying more and more as he does well in his career. Whilst my career has suddenly turned into housewife mode. From a full salaried 5 figures down to 2 figures at the worst. And so far it is a no go from my Psychiatrist about me looking for a job what more applying and going for interviews.

Which brings me to my harmless addictions… not to the detrimental to self harm…. but RETAIL THERAPY!!! DAMAGE to pocket when a broke person thinks she is still earning her 5 salaried  job…..

That I will continue later….

I short one today guys…

Looking for myself… really started in Uni….

I remember when I was in University in London, when I was very open to new culture, the art scene, the posters the quotes about life…. and long sessions in the parks and hallways about life….It brought me to appreciate art. And because we as students had no money, we just buy posters. My 1st favourite poster that I bought was the Henri Matisse Blue Nude. For some odd reason it spoke to me…. I always wonder who was this woman, why was she sitting like that and what was she thinking. And I find sometimes when I am troubled and looking out my window, my position is similar to this.

Fast Forward to now…. I think back to that poster. I can’t remember where I put it but now I have it on my blog it brings me a poignant feelings in me. Looking back to the year I have gone through…. I have learnt so much about myself…. met the best psychiatrist. I love her. She has helped me discover what has caused the depression and far long into my childhood it began. I remember the 1st session, I was annoyed… we didn’t really talk but more of her explaining that we need to give you some medications in order for us to clear the smoke that is clouding my mind and causing my panic attacks. We need to clear that and find where the fire starts. There are many fire starters to deal with…. but I need to be calm enough to talk about it. So that starts my 6 medication everyday for the past year and a half.

Anyways…. the other poster I had in front of me always when I was studying is this Desiderata. The poem prose was written by an American writer, Max Ehrmann (1872-1945).

This particular piece speaks across borders, religions and just anything that you go through. I remember when I was being bullied by my last boss who really triggered my depression I read this prose to calm me down. So that I don’t scream and shout and just makes things worse for me. Ironically, as life does to you… the lady boss I had after the idiot is such a sweetheart and if I stayed she was going to groom me to be someone to be respected. But unfortunately for me the damage was done.

From 1 week my Medical Leave became 2 weeks and carried on and on ……For months I couldn’t look at the building I worked in… I felt a pain in my heart that I can’t go back yet and anxiety kept coming back. And then I realise slowly… in the weeks I was away… did anyone call in or come to see me? NO ONE!

I relied solely on my HUSBAND (MY ROCK MY LOVE) and children to get me through those tough months. Even my inlaws were my support system. WHY? Because unfortunately my family couldn’t really accept that I was manic depressive bordering bi-polar. BUT thanks to this organisation in the UK … error I can’t seem to find it… so irritating. Ah I found it. The website is time-to-change.org. Thank you for your HELP!!!

They gave me hope and they had a lot of videos that I used to put in my Facebook so that I could educate my family behind the scenes. I wish there was such an organisation in my country.

I wish I could post them… but I can’t find them. But any videos from this website and any videos with regards to Dealing with the Black Dog is very helpful to teach our family indirectly. It was an emotional time for me. But Thank God that they are slowly understanding.

I got lots more to write… oh…. I collected and bought a lot of things to deal with my depression. But that one I will write in the next post. 🙂

Starting it out….. New Year New Me…..

Resolutions… we all want to start resolutions at the end of the year and somehow fail to complete it at the end of the year….

What I am doing differently this year… is to do something new every other week.

First thing I did….

1) Cut my credit cards…. yeap…. I cut them up.
2) Join a club that involves public speaking and children
3) Write a blog on things that interests me…. and here we are.

Let me introduce myself… without saying my name for now… I was diagnosed with manic depression about a year ago. I remember the last time I ever sat at my little tiny cubicle in the my dream company was 23 March 2013. I never saw it again…. and I never looked back. I had a blackout met a psychologist and psychiatrist and that was that. I never realised that I had depression. At the pinnacle of my illness… I couldn’t sleep at night and kept of thinking about death and daily suicidal tendencies. Pretty scary stuff. When think back I thank God that I still had my faith and I loved my family dearly. The thought of my 3 beautiful children and my always supportive husband without me would be cruel. It may have solved my problems, but it would create problems for them.

I think I didn’t do anything for months on end… I don’t remember much. But I remember…. buying a hell of a lot of books and magazines. My so called go to when I want to disappear from the world. And I bought a MacBook Air. I knew that I wanted to write something. But I don’t know what.

Word of Caution: A Manic Depressive person on 5 antidepressants tend to talk about multiple things at one time. so bear with me ok.

Still with me? Moving on… I started going on twitter, less on Facebook (because I can’t stand the holier than thou friends and depressing pictures). It all started by following people like the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, .. people who’s lives were so fiction to me that it takes me away from my illness. And then… I started following Obama, Michelle Obama, The Clintons, The Gates, Ivanka Trump, Maria Shriver, Oprah….. people who I find inspirational. I was searching for people who knows what to do…. maybe share their lives and hardships.

And the Gaza War happened…. I was following it and followed people who are in the war zone. I spoke to them, I’d like to think that I give them hope and I pray for them .

At the same time, I followed organisations in UK who are taking mental illness awareness quite seriously. Something my country hasn’t done yet. And people who goes through it. I also read books of people who goes through depression. I didn’t know that Winston Churchill had depression which he calls “His Black Dog”. I bought Sylvia Plath. I read a lot.

And then on March 3 2014, MH370 happened. I was updating the world from our side and not just CNN. It was the saddest day, week, month of our nation. We still can’t find them. My heart breaks and I give a silent prayer when I think about them. And then MH17. Shot down by an idiot who couldn’t differentiate between enemy and commercial airlines. Until today noone wants to take the blame obviously. Everytime they bring back coffins from Netherlands…I cry… Our nation cried.

And then by the end of the year…. on December 23 AirAsia QZ8501 unfortunately went through bad whether and crashed with no survivors.

It was the worst year for Airlines…and the worst for our Nation. Making things worst, the year 2014 brought the worst floods ever in the history of the nation. Thousands of people are affected and lost everything. EVERYTHING. Sad.

Being a manic depressive, I am sorry that I have to end this 1st post on a sad note.

I resigned from my dream company on 31 April 2014. And noone stopped me. Until today I am still undergoing treatment and going for group session.

I will share more happier stuff in the next few posts…maybe…. as I have started an addiction of designer handbags and expensive books and magazines. (I also bought the Paper magazine that showed Kim K in the nude. ssshhhhh don’t tell noone).

That’s it! 1st post done….

P/S WHat do you put in category?